Oh, my dear four year-old Ben, how I love you. You are still among the best things that ever happened to me. I love your dad more than you can ever know, and your brother is pretty darned awesome too... but you, my first child, are the one who changed me. Sigh.
You are also the one who tests me, you little rascal.
We are sometimes two peas in a pod, you and me, and that works both ways: when we are good, we are very very good, and when we are bad, we are horrid. :) You are the sweetest little boy on the planet, at times, and then there are the times you can really push my buttons! It's because we are so connected, I am sure. Sometimes when you really have me at my wits' end, I see something in your eyes that brings me right back to earth. You are so sensitive and sweet on the inside. One time I really scolded you and told you how disappointed I was at the way you behaved right before bedtime. Your eyes got all big and you said, "I won't do that again. You will see a change tomorrow. I will be better." Oh, Ben. Break my heart, why don't you?
There is nothing like you wanting me. You want me to read to you, you want me to cuddle you, you want me to carry you... sometimes I am holding you in church, and you lean in and plant a kiss on my cheek, and say, "I wuv you, Mommy." And then you smile this tight-lipped smile with squinty eyes and cock your head to the side. It's kind of the greatest thing ever.
Sometimes you are just my little buddy. We go grocery shopping together, and you want to get all the things I need and put them in the cart for me. You drive your cars on the shelves while I ponder my list.
Sometimes you still want to hold my hand.
Several nights ago, I unwittingly made you cry when I dramatically groaned at the weight of you, exclaiming that you are getting so big, I might not be able to carry you anymore. You were devastated. We resolved the whole thing with me telling you that I PROMISE I will hold you and carry you for as long as you'll let me... because we all know that won't last forever. :(
I am so proud of all you're learning in preschool and at KidZone at church. You have always been so ...absorbent :), and you still really are. You soak up everything around you. I fear and enjoy explaining things to you. I am amazed at how your brain works. I am not looking forward to the day when you ask me something I really can't answer.
I love watching you play with your dad. You thrive on his praise. You get so excited to play football with him, or to show him things you can do with your cars and toys. You are learning to enjoy your little Daddy and Ben outings. You LOVE hanging out with his friends from work. I think you think you're a pretty big dude, sometimes.
You are also learning how to really be a big brother. I've caught you explaining things to Matt, or showing him how to do something. You are also his second biggest cheerleader when he uses the potty. What a good big brother.
I love, love, love you. Can't wait to see what the next four years brings!
Mom
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